How many times have we had a bad night sleep and had that put us in a bad mood for the rest of the day? Or started the day feeling really good, but then had someone throw harsh angry words at us and that completely shifted the way we felt? Or were feeling quite happy but then saw our lover with another person, and then obsessed about it for hours on end? Or the opposite, met a beautiful person who we deeply love, and they just smiled at us and made our whole day worthwhile? 

Truth is, for many of us, all sorts of external factors are determining our happiness and state of mind. That is because - at least to an extent - we have an external locus of control, which means that on a number of occasions, we allow our surroundings to dictate our state of being, rather than having our Consciousness define them. It is possible to say "Today I will feel [XYZ] all day long" (whether that is happiness, love, excitement or whatever it may be), and then feel it. That requires changing our locus of control from external to internal. And then we will take control of our own lives and live them the way we intend to regardless of what happens around us. We will have the freedom how we would like to feel, and not how other people or circumstances make us feel.

One of the easiest lies we tell other people is "You made me feel [XYZ]". That is never true, because no one can make us feel anything. That's why some people can be very calm when others are arguing with them, and others will become angry too. How we feel in entirely up to us, the only person can only go as far as giving us triggers for us to feel or act in a certain way. But whether we actually do depends on us. If someone is screaming at us, we can choose to be upset, but we can also choose to feel compassion instead, for the negative effect that the anger is having on the other person and because they don't know any better. What struggles are they going through that make them act defensive, is fear driving them or is it pride, that is there because deep down they don't believe in themselves and because of that feel the need to prove themselves to everyone else? There can be millions of reasons behind someone else acting in a certain way, the fact is that we don't know them, we may never know, and it is even likely that the person doesn't know themselves. And if they have absolutely no reasons apart from trying to impact other people's lives negatively, we can choose to look at them with compassion, because of the consequences of the karma that are creating for themselves.

The following quote has different versions and its authorship seems to be shared by different people. 

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies. Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you. Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight. Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, others may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give the world the best you have anyway."

The Ego is something that can dominate our personality and keep it identified with actions and circumstances that are not really our own. It is base on a misconception of the Self, which causes us to forget the pure beings of love and light that we are, and think that we are what we think, say or do. And we are not what we do, otherwise we would be called "human doers" instead of "human beings". So who are we?

Features such as anger, fear, jealousy, pride, greed, arrogance, stubbornness, impatience, self destruction, gluttony, lust, self deprecation, martyrdom and others cause us to look at reality with tinted glasses, and not to be able to see it freely through the consciousness. They can keep the mind occupied all day long and not leave any room for the Essence to manifest, grow and nourish.

We can angle this issue in two fronts in parallel: One of them is to thoroughly understand our psychology, and the other is to connect with the qualities of our being. One will give us consciousness of why we are feeling and acting in a certain way, and the other one will connect us with higher frequencies and resonances which will transform us from within.

By removing our Ego, we will return to our original state of pure Freedom. We can wake up in the morning and say "Today I will feel unconditional love" - and actually feel it.

What is psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy helps people of all ages live happier, healthier and more productive lives. Psychotherapists apply scientifically validated procedures to help people develop healthier, more effective habits. There are several approaches to psychotherapy that help individuals work through their problems.

Psychotherapy is a collaborative treatment based on the relationship between an individual and a psychotherapist. Grounded in dialogue, it provides a supportive environment that allows you to talk openly with someone who’s objective, neutral and nonjudgmental. You and your psychotherapist work together to identify and change the thought and behavior patterns that are keeping you from feeling your best.

By the time you’re done, you will not only have solved the problem that brought you in, but you will have learned new skills so you can better cope with whatever challenges arise in the future.

When should you consider psychotherapy?

Because of the many misconceptions about psychotherapy, you may be reluctant to try it out. Even if you know the realities instead of the myths, you may feel nervous about trying it yourself. Overcoming that nervousness is worth it. That’s because any time your quality of life isn’t what you want it to be, psychotherapy can help.

Some people seek psychotherapy because they have felt depressed, anxious or angry for a long time. Others may want help for a chronic illness that is interfering with their emotional or physical well-being. Still others may have short-term problems they need help navigating. They may be going through a divorce, facing an empty nest, feeling overwhelmed by a new job or grieving a family member's death, for example.

Signs that you could benefit from therapy include:

• You feel an overwhelming, prolonged sense of helplessness and sadness.

• Your problems don't seem to get better despite your efforts and help from family and friends.

• You find it difficult to concentrate on work assignments or to carry out other everyday activities.

• You worry excessively, expect the worst or are constantly on edge.

• Your actions, such as drinking too much alcohol, using drugs or being aggressive, are harming you or others.

What are the different kinds of psychotherapy?

There are many different approaches to psychotherapy. Psychotherapists generally draw on one or more of these. Each theoretical perspective acts as a roadmap to help the psychotherapist understand their clients and their problems and develop solutions.

The kind of treatment you receive will depend on a variety of factors: current psychological research, your psychotherapist's theoretical orientation and what works best for your situation.

Your psychotherapist’s theoretical perspective will affect what goes on in his or her office. Psychotherapists who use cognitive-behavioral therapy, for example, have a practical approach to treatment. Your psychotherapist might ask you to tackle certain tasks designed to help you develop more effective coping skills. This approach often involves homework assignments. Your psychotherapist might ask you to gather more information, such as logging your reactions to a particular situation as they occur. Or they might want you to practice new skills between sessions, such as asking someone with an elevator phobia to practice pushing elevator buttons. You might also have reading assignments so you can learn more about a particular topic.

In contrast, psychoanalytic and humanistic approaches typically focus more on talking than doing. You might spend your sessions discussing your early experiences to help you and your psychotherapist better understand the root causes of your current problems.

Your psychotherapist may combine elements from several styles of psychotherapy. In fact, most therapists don’t tie themselves to any one approach. Instead, they blend elements from different approaches and tailor their treatment according to each client’s needs.

The main thing to know is whether your psychotherapist has expertise in the area you need help with and whether they feel that he or she can help you.

Source: American Psychological Association (APA)

It is not news that men and women are of different natures. We all know this on our theoretical minds, but that is different from having the actual understanding that we are fundamentally different.

As a simple example, during the sexual interaction typically men are quite excited to jump straight into the juicy part of the action, whereas women like to have their whole body and soul awakened before they actually start thinking about moving into action. As a consequence, women will proceed with awakening the man's whole body and soul, and men will lead women straight into the juicy part of the action... Conclusion is everyone gave the other person their very best based on what they would appreciate most themselves, and nobody got what they wanted.

And we do this all the time, in all aspects of our lives. With our very best intentions, we slowly move downhill relationship after relationship. There are many thinks we should look out for and be aware of, which will ultimately help us make that shift of consciousness to give the other person what they expect and need rather than what we would expect and need if we were them.

There is also a lot to be said regarding Authentic Communication. How often do we say the exact opposite of what we really want to say? Take this for example: "You are always watching TV instead of making an effort to help me do something", which is an accusation and we therefore get a defensive or aggressive reaction from the other person, when what we really want to say is "I miss you and with we could spend more time together", which is a loving request and could be responded with love too? Learning to remove violence from our communication will allow us to be more sincere and actually improve our chances of getting what we are looking for. And the techniques to do so are simple and yet extremely effective and can ultimately change the very basics of our communication. To create bridges instead of walls.

There's an amusing summary on WikiSummaries of the book "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" that illustrates the first concept above, here is a part of it:

• Mr Fix-It and the Home Improvement Committee

Men love to have their abilities recognised and appreciated, and hate to have them scorned or ignored; women love to have their feelings recognised and appreciated, and hate to have them scorned or ignored. Men don't rate feelings highly as in their view they can result in hotly impassioned, wildly unstable behaviour; women don't rate abilities highly as in their view they can result in coldly dispassionate, aggressively competitive behaviour.

Men like to work on their own, and exercise their abilities by solving problems quickly and singlehandedly; women like to co-operate, and exercise their feelings through interactive communication with one another. Men value solutions, and view unsolicited assistance as undermining their effort to solve problems alone; women value assistance, and view unsolicited solutions as undermining their effort to proceed interactively. Men desire that their solutions will be appreciated; women desire that their assistance will be appreciated.

• Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk

When faced with tough problems, men become non-communicative so they can work out how best to help themselves, while women become communicative so that others can work out how best to help them. Men like to demonstrate their abilities by being allowed to solve problems without interference; women like to demonstrate their feelings by being allowed to relate problems without interference.

When men do communicate, they like to get to the point, and generally only want to listen if they feel the conversation has a point; women enjoy talking for its own sake, and are happy to listen unconditionally.

• How to Motivate the Opposite Sex

A man's instinct is to look after himself, even if it means sacrificing others; a woman's instinct is to look after others, even if it means sacrificing herself. In a relationship, a man has to learn how to care for his partner rather than sacrificing her needs in favour of his own, and a woman has to learn how to be cared for by her partner rather than sacrificing her own needs in favour of his, so that the needs of both are met. If they do this successfully, both win, unlike their instinctive behaviours where one person gains from another’s loss. This has to be worked at, because if either partner feels their efforts towards the relationship are not being successful in pleasing their partner, they may feel hurt and decide to revert to their instinctive behaviour. Unfortunately this then causes the other partner to do the same, and the relationship unravels inexorably.

In a relationship, a man needs to feel that his attentions are needed, and a woman needs to feel that her needs are attended. To achieve this, a man has to express his desire to fulfil her needs and her worthiness to receive his care, and a woman has to express her desire for his care and his worthiness to fulfil her needs. Both must remember to appreciate, accept, and forgive the other, and avoid blaming them when they fail.

• Speaking Different Languages

Men talk in very literal terms for the purpose of relaying information; women employ artistic licence and dramatic vocabulary to fully express and relate their feelings.

Men like to sort their thoughts out before communicating them, and have the tendency to become distant and non-communicative as they ponder their concerns. At this time, a woman needs reassurance that her partner still rates her as worthy of being taken care of. Women like to sort their thoughts out in the process of communicating them, and have the tendency to pour forth a litany of general grievances as they relate their concerns. At this time, a man needs reassurance that his partner still rates him as worthy of taking care of things. Both must try to avoid feeling personally to blame when their partners are dealing with problems.

When a man is troubled, he does not want his partner to express concern for him, but loves to be told that the problem is easily within his abilities to rectify because of the implicit vote of confidence in his abilities. When a woman is troubled, she loves her partner to express concern for her, but does not want to be told that the problem is a simple one to solve because of the implicit dismissal of her concerns about the issue. A solution should be sought once her feelings have been fully listened to: too quick a solution justifies his abilities but devalues her concerns, too enduring a problem justifies her concerns but devalues his abilities.

Men feel validated and gratified when they are left to sort things out by themselves, and feel undermined by being offered sympathy or unsolicited assistance. Women feel validated and gratified by being offered sympathy or unsolicited assistance, and feel undermined when they are left to sort things out by themselves.

To accommodate their partners' responses, each should make small changes to their behaviours and communication towards the other, but without compromising their own true natures.

• Men Are Like Rubber Bands

Men periodically bolt for cover when they suddenly fear that their self-sufficiency is becoming threatened. At these times they may become utterly unapproachable, demanding the right to be left on their own and to be allowed not to express their feelings, but if given support by being afforded space for a little while, they will soon feel better and spring back into their usual loving selves once again. It can be hard for women to handle the suddenness and speed with which men bolt for cover, and then subsequently spring back.

At times when men retreat into themselves, they can assist their partners not to be overly concerned or take it personally by providing some brief reassurance that they will return in due course. Women should resist the temptation to try to drag their partners back prematurely or criticise them over this natural behaviour.

• Women Are Like Waves

Women periodically sink into a depression when they feel it is time for emotional cleansing and resolution. At these times they may become utterly negative in their outlook, dwelling on every problem which troubles them, including long-standing ones which will generally have been raised and addressed before, and if they cannot find any real issues to concentrate on, then they will find some random other things to worry about.

They suspend their normal giving natures, demanding the right to express their feelings and not to be left on their own, and if supported and allowed enough time to express and release their negative feelings, they will begin to feel happier again and return to their usual loving selves. The slowness in which they sink into depression and subsequently recover may be hard for men to handle.

At times when women sink into themselves, they can assist their partners not to be overly concerned or take it personally by providing some brief reassurance that it is not their partners’ fault. Men should resist the temptation to try to lift their partners back up prematurely or criticise them over this natural behaviour.

Men demand the right to be free from time to time; women demand the right to be heard from time to time. When a man feels free he finds it easier to support a woman’s need to be heard; when a woman feels heard she finds it easier to support a man’s need to be free.

If a man’s periodic need to be free coincides with a woman’s periodic need to be heard, the best solution is for the woman to make do with being heard by her friends instead.

• Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs

Men and women need to remember that the emotional needs of the opposite sex are not the same as their own. Providing our partners with the wrong type of emotional needs will not be greatly appreciated.

Deep inside every man is a knight in shining armour seeking a damsel in distress who will love him, and shower him with trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Deep inside every woman is a damsel in distress seeking a knight in shining armour who will love her, and shower her with caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. Men must listen attentively to women to understand their needs, avoiding getting angry or defensive; women must have faith in men's abilities and best efforts to fulfill their needs, avoiding trying to change or control them.

• How To Avoid Arguments

Communication between relationship partners should be loving and respectful; verbal attacks by contrast are highly destructive. It is often not so much what is said that causes the damage, but the tone of voice and body language which accompanies it.

Arguments thrive on men failing to pay sufficient attention to women’s feelings, and women being critically disapproving of men. Either one may be the initial trigger, because a man’s inattentiveness can cause a woman to get upset and express disapproval, and a woman’s disapproval can cause a man to get defensive and stop listening to how she is feeling.

When men make mistakes they become frustrated and angry, and are best left alone until they calm down. Men consider apologies to be admissions of guilt; women view apologies as expressions of compassion. This difference of perception is why men are generally much less willing to apologise than women.

When engaged in an argument, men use strong and aggressive words to ensure that they win the argument, and women are frequently forced to back down in the face of a totally determined and implacable opponent. Men then feel that they have won the argument, but it is a hollow victory as their partners have not changed their views, but merely buried them in order to avoid an ever-escalating conflict. Sometimes people prefer to evade arguments instead of engaging in them. Men tend to do so by withdrawing inside themselves and refusing to talk; women often just pretend that the disagreement has been forgotten. The resultant peace is a cold one, because the issues continue festering unresolved.

To stop communication degenerating into arguments, men should strive to listen without getting defensive, and women should try to express their feelings without criticising their partners.

• Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex

Men feel loved if their efforts at giving are appreciated; women feel loved according to what they receive. For women, loving someone means knowing and attending to their needs without waiting to be asked, and so a loved person should never have to ask for anything as their needs ought to be anticipated ahead of time. So women give unconditionally, and proactively seek ways to help others, whereas men only give when they feel that their efforts will be fairly appreciated and rewarded, and often will not know how or what to give without being specifically asked. Men often quickly suspend giving when feeling pleased about having done something; women may only suspend giving when feeling displeased with their partners for doing nothing.

Men value results; for women it’s the thought that counts. Consequently, men value big things much more than do women, who feel more appreciated by receiving lots of little gifts instead. A woman may consider a bunch of flowers to be just as good a proof of love as an entire month of hard work towards paying the bills.

If men and women do not take account of these different perspectives, they may fail to give their partners what they actually want. When this occurs, the man will frequently suspend giving as he feels he is not receiving enough reward back for what he has given, but the woman will continue to give unconditionally even though she feels she is giving more and has started to feel unloved, unappreciated and resentful.

Men should try to identify various little ways to give to their partners without waiting to be asked first, and should avoid the mistake of assuming their partners to be happy giving and not asking for anything back. Women should be careful not to give a false impression to their partners of being happy when they are not, and if they begin to feel resentful they should gently reduce their giving, learn to ask for things back, and be sure to keep expressing lots of appreciation of their partners’ efforts so as to encourage them to give more. Men should try to listen lovingly and respectfully to women’s feelings, women should try to express their feelings in a loving and respectful manner. If men give, and women appreciate, both end up feeling happy.

• How to Communicate Difficult Feelings

Unresolved negative feelings can cause us to act in ways we really don’t want to, or become manifest in all kinds of compulsive or addictive behaviours. Avoiding our negative feelings doesn’t make them go away, but compassionately embracing them can heal them and enable us to start loving again. By acting as loving parents to our own inner child, we finally allow our repressed feelings to be fully expressed and released.

To ease the pain and win love, men often obsessively seek success, and women obsessively seek perfection. Men may use anger, ego, or oblivion (such as burying themselves in their work) to avoid vulnerable feelings of pain or fear; women may lapse into depression or confusion to avoid having aggressive feelings of anger.

Constructive communication is a learned skill, and many of us must first unlearn the paradigm of negative communication and repression of feelings which we experienced during childhood. Communication works best if it presents the full picture, so that the root of the problem is revealed rather than just the symptoms.

Writing our feelings down is excellent for expressing our negative emotions (anger, pain, fear, and regret) in a controlled manner, rather than letting them explode at our partners in the heat of the moment. Having done so, we can get back in touch with our loving feelings, and are then in a much better state to explain to our partners what we are feeling, and what they can do to help us feel better. It is important to communicate such feelings in a loving atmosphere because we may need to feel securely loved while communicating such intimate and revealing feelings, and our partners may need the same if some of those feelings will be painful to hear, or could be taken personally. At times it is worth discussing them with friends or counselors first.

• How to Ask for Support and Get It

Men love to do things which are appreciated, and hate to do things which are demanded. Criticising him or giving excessive instructions will make him feel more like a slave than a loved and trusted partner.

Men love to prove their worth through the things they do, but they generally wait to be asked, and take a long time to learn to offer their services unsolicited. Women should therefore control their expectations of men being able to anticipate their needs, ask for help without making it sound like a demand because they resent the need to do so, and appreciate the help they receive even though it needed to be requested first.

Women should avoid requesting help from a man in a way which either doesn’t sound like a clear request, or carries implicit criticism that he should have already done it. Questions which begin with the words ‘Could you’ or ‘Can you’ are often interpreted by men as questioning their abilities, and they therefore respond more positively to the same questions if they begin instead with ‘Would you’ or ‘Will you’. The difference may seem tiny, but it can feel as different as the man saying ‘No I can’t’ or ‘No I won’t’ in response to the request.

It is best to allow a man the freedom to do things in a way and at a time that works for him. If a man is busy doing something and a woman needs his help on something else, she should feel free to ask him for help, but be prepared for him to request to defer it or even to refuse it; if requests always require positive answers, they are really demands, and men will sense the difference. If a man grumbles about a request then he is actually considering it, and the best approach is to simply wait for him to come to a decision without saying anything further, and aim to accept the outcome graciously.